[Comedian walks slowly onto stage, surveys the audience with a mixture of contempt and weariness. Takes a long sip of water]
So... Oxford.
[Long pause, stares at audience]
Oxford. Where the brightest minds come to... what exactly? Become enlightened? Or just to feel enlightened?
[Sarcastic smile]
I was reading this fascinating article about nuclear weapons the other day. Fascinating. You know how many nuclear warheads there are in the world right now? 12,331. Twelve thousand, three hundred and thirty-one bombs that could end civilization as we know it.
[Takes off glasses, cleans them meticulously]
But don't worry about that, you've got your fair trade coffee and your Guardian subscription, so... you know... you're doing your bit.
[Puts glasses back on]
The interesting thing about nuclear weapons is they're actually quite cheap. Did you know that? For the ability to annihilate millions of people with the press of a button, it's surprisingly cost-effective.
[Mimics pressing a button, then looks judgmentally at front row]
The United States spends about 75 billion dollars a year on its nuclear arsenal. 75 billion. That sounds like a lot, doesn't it? That sounds like a lot to you, sitting there in your ethically sourced cardigans. But it's only about 7% of their defense budget.
[Exaggerated thoughtful expression]
Seven... percent. To have the power to end the world.
Bargain, really. Bargain.
[Paces slowly across stage]
And that's the thing about nuclear weapons. They're the Netflix subscription of military spending. For just a small monthly fee, you get unlimited deterrence. Well, not unlimited. 12,331 warheads. But who's counting?
Oh, that's right, I am. Because someone bloody has to.
[Points accusingly at random audience member]
You there, with the glasses and the smug expression of someone who thinks they're above all this because they cycle to work. How many nuclear warheads do you think India has? No, don't actually answer. I can see from your face you don't know and don't really care, but you'd like to appear as though you do. Classic Oxford.
[Sighs dramatically]
India. Where millions live in poverty. They spend about 3 billion dollars a year on nuclear weapons. And for a country of India's standing, the experts say – and I'm quoting here – "it's a total no-brainer."
[Leans in, speaking slowly]
A no-brainer.
That's the level of sophisticated analysis we've reached. Nuclear annihilation: a no-brainer.
[Takes another sip of water, longer than necessary]
You know what else is fascinating? The waste. A hundred million gallons of hazardous liquid waste from America's nuclear program, just sitting in Washington state. Leaking into the groundwater. Right now. As we speak.
[Feigns sudden realization]
Oh, but you've got your reusable water bottles, so the environment's saved. Well done, you.
[Slow applause]
And the solution to this nuclear waste problem? I'm sure you're all dying to know, what with your PhDs and your enlightened worldviews.
[Dramatic pause]
They bury it. Out of sight, out of mind. They've been doing it for 80 years. And they'll keep doing it for another thousand.
[Looks directly at audience]
But don't worry about that. You've got a panel discussion on sustainability to attend after this. I'm sure that'll fix everything.
[Long, uncomfortable pause]
You know what's really funny about all of this? Not ha-ha funny, but funny in that way that makes you want to cry into your organically sourced pillow? The logic of nuclear deterrence. The way we make it credible that we'd actually use these weapons.
[Adopts serious voice]
One method is the "Mad Dog" strategy. Where you convince everyone you're crazy enough to actually press the button. Ronald Reagan was great at this. He'd say things like, "I'd rather my children were dead than red."
[Puzzled expression]
Dead than red. His actual children. Dead.
[Stares at audience, then suddenly cheerful]
But don't let that disturb your cozy little bubble here in Oxford. I'm sure your strongly worded letters to your MP will prevent nuclear armageddon.
[Walks to edge of stage, looks contemplative]
The truth is... nuclear weapons are cheap. They're effective. And they're not going anywhere. But hey, at least you all got to feel morally superior for an hour tonight before you go back to your comfortable lives, secure in the knowledge that someone else is worrying about all this.
[Checks watch]
Oh, look at that. My time's almost up. Just like humanity's.
[Finishes water, places glass down deliberately]
Thank you, Oxford. You've been... exactly what I expected.
[Exits stage without looking back]