“It’s like so authentic, right?”
“Right, totally authentic.”
“But is it green flags or red flags?”
pause
“Like, green flags obviously. He was despicable. Everyone knew it, but no one did anything about it.”
“Until this weekend. But still, it was pretty shocking.”
“The way he just - “
“Just said it.”
“No filter.”
“That’s authentic though.”
pause
“But like, what does it mean for everyone else?”
“Wait. What are you guys actually talking about?”
“The military operation?”
silence
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.”
“Wait, so you’re talking about like... a country. The invasion of a country.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s dark.”
“But like, it IS authentic though, right? He literally said he was going to run the country and tap the oil reserves. No pretense.”
someone googles
“Wait, he said that? Out loud?”
“At a press conference.”
“Okay so like, that IS authentic but that’s also - that’s not authentic in the way we mean authentic.”
“It’s just honest.”
“It’s honest about being - “
“Corrupt.”
“Okay but there’s the flags too though. Like, are these green flags or red flags?”
“Green flags: he removed a brutal dictator who rigged an election, restored democracy - “
someone googles
“ - he didn’t restore democracy, actually. Like, he removed Maduro but then said the US would ‘run’ the country.”
“Okay so that’s a red flag.”
“That’s definitely a red flag.”
“What about the other flags?”
someone scrolls
“Argentina and El Salvador are vibing with it. Green flags.”
“But everyone else in South America is like, super red flags’”
“And the US did it anyway.”
“Yeah.”
“What about Europe and China and Russia?”
“Europe is so weak and needy. They are the pathetic golden retrievers here. And they are totally going to be ghosted by Trump. It’s super obvs. And he’ll take Greenland and they will just wave their golden retriever tails and look sad.”
“China and Russia are like “He’s busy now. And we can do what we want in our backyard, just like him.”
“I wouldn’t want to be Ukraine or Taiwan right now.”
long pause
“Okay, but wait. What about Machado?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, the Venezuelan opposition leader. María Corina Machado. Isn’t she like the one who actually won the election?”
someone googles, reading
“She did... but, she’s not in charge.”
“Wait, what?”
“Like, the US removed Maduro but didn’t install her. She’s still in exile.”
“So who did they install?”
“That’s the unclear part. Trump said the US would ‘run the country’ but like - “
someone else googles, pauses
“Oh.”
“What?”
“They made a deal with the army.”
“The Venezuelan army? The corrupt army?”
“The army that’s involved in oil, drugs and - “
scrolling
“ - yes.”
“But Maduro’s army. That army.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s how they got in and out so quickly. How they met so little resistance. They had help on the inside. And the help wants paying.”
“So they kept the regime apparatus, but removed Maduro.”
“Because the regime has resources and knows how to extract them.”
pause
“And Machado wouldn’t do that.”
“She literally won the election. She’s the legitimate president.”
“But she’s a patriot, not a compliant thug.”
someone looks up from phone
“She won the Nobel Peace Prize, by the way.”
long silence
“Trump wants a Peace Prize.”
“Yeah.”
“So they excluded her because she has integrity and - “
“Yeah.”
“For oil and trophies.”
“Yeah.”
very long pause
“So like... is the US the toxic boyfriend in this scenario?”
“No.”
“No?”
“Worse. The toxic boyfriend at least pretends he’s not toxic.”
“They’re literally just - “
“Yeah.”
pause
“He removed one thug and kept the apparatus of corruption intact because he needed it to extract resources.”
“And he rejected the actual democratic choice because she wouldn’t be as much use.”
“And she got a Nobel Peace Prize.”
“Yeah.”
“Everyone with resources must be watching and thinking - “
“ - ‘if the US wants what I have bad enough, the rules don’t matter.’”
silence
“Yeah.”
“That’s the new world order.”
“Authentic imperialism.”
“No pretense.”
“Just: we want it, we can take it, so we will.”
“And you can’t stop us.”
“Really authentic though…”
very long pause
“But like, what will stop him?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, Venezuela was... it was isolated. Maduro had burned every bridge.”
“Right. No real allies.”
“So Trump could just... do it.”
someone googles Mexico
“But Mexico has like, 130 million people and it borders the US.”
“And there is a lot of trade.”
“Yeah, meanwhile Colombia is already at the UN asking for a criminal process against Trump.”
“So if Trump goes after either of them—”
“It gets messy.”
“Really messy.”
“What about Cuba?”
someone scrolls
“Cuba has Russian support. And Chinese.”
“But I mean most of Venezuela’s oil went to China. It’s not like China doesn’t have enough nuclear and renewables.”
“So Cuba’s more like... an actually a proxy situation.”
“Dunno. I mean back in the 1960s maybe. Perhaps these other places are quid pro quos for Ukraine and Taiwan?”
“Unspoken deal between US, China and Russia?”
“Right.”
“Sphere’s of influence: mi casa es mi casa. Gang territories.”
“Or maybe he stops there for now?. Venezuela was easy. Mexico or Colombia or Cuba gets harder.”
pause
“What about Greenland?”
someone googles
“It has rare earth minerals. Geothermal energy. Strategic Arctic position.”
“And it’s Danish.”
“Denmark is in NATO.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So if Trump takes Greenland—”
“That’s an attack on a NATO ally.”
“Which means—”
“NATO has to respond.”
“Or NATO collapses.”
pause
“He wants NATO to collapse. It just adds to the incentive.”
“Does Europe know this?”
“Er, dur, I think Europe knows this.”
“And they’re just... hoping he doesn’t?”
“Yeah.”
“Because they’re the golden retrievers remember.”
“Right. Tail-wagging. Hoping he pets them instead of taking Greenland.”
“Should they like... put troops there?”
“On Greenland?”
“Yeah, like, make it harder.”
long pause
“That would be, like, provocative though.”
“Yeah.”
“But if they don’t, he just takes it.”
“Yeah.”
“So they have to choose between provocative now or accepting it happens.”
“And Trump’s already shown he’ll do it.”
“Denmark can’t stop him.”
“NATO could, but that means—”
“War with the US.”
“Yeah.”
“Over an island.”
“Over an island with rare earth minerals.”
pause
“So what do you do?”
“As Denmark?”
“As Europe?”
“As Mexico?”
“As anyone with something Trump wants?”
very long pause
“You make it expensive.”
“How?”
“Alliances. Trade relationships. Public opinion. Making it so the cost of taking it is higher than the benefit.”
“But that only works if the US cares about cost.”
“And Trump doesn’t seem to.”
“He seems to just... want it. And do it.”
“Right.”
“So you’re basically hoping he gets distracted by something else.”
“Or that Congress stops him.”
“Congress didn’t stop Venezuela.”
“Right.”
“Congress barely even got a briefing on Venezuela.”
pause
“So what you’re saying is—”
“Everyone with resources is now in a hostage situation.”
“But the hostage-taker is at least honest about it.”
“Hmmm… Maybe. Yeah.”
“And Europe’s response is to hope they’re not next.”
“Because the only thing that could stop it is military force.”
“Or economic pressure.”
“Or international coalitions.”
“And none of that is working.”
“Because Trump’s willing to break everything.”
pause
“Yeah.”
“By being “authentic” about wanting to take everything and break everything.”
“Yeah. Authentic.”
Final very long pause