A fetid pool. Darkness. The sound of something arguing with itself. Two hobbits watch from behind a rock.
Act I: “We Wants It, We Needs It”
GOLLUM: [stroking a 33-page PDF] Precious. Preciousss strategy document. It understands us, yes it does. It knows about the nasty Europeans and their “civilisational erasure.” It knows about the tricksy NATO allies who spends nothing on defence. Nothing! While we carries them like stupid fat Atlases, precious.
SMÉAGOL: But we promised them! Sixty-five years of promises. Sméagol remembers the Cold War. Sméagol remembers Article 5. We wrote 3,086 pages of legislation, we did. Bipartisan. 312 votes to 112. Fighting side by side to defeat evil, precious. Bigger together.
GOLLUM: [hissing] Bigger than us? BIGGER THAN US? Nothing is bigger than us, precious. The Western Hemisphere - that’s what matters. Border security is “primary element of national security.” The nice strategy document says so. Everything else is distraction. Tricksy, false distraction.
SMÉAGOL: No! Russia is dangerous! We needs annual Pentagon reports on Russian military strategy. We needs to freeze their nasty assets. The legislation says so!
GOLLUM: [mocking] “Many Europeans regard Russia as threat, precious.” Many Europeans. Not us. We wants “strategic stability.” Nice words. Friendly words. Perhaps Russia will be nice to us if we’re nice to them, yes? They have gold for us and our friends!
Behind the rock
FRODO: [whispering] Sam, what’s happening? Why has he changed?
SAM: I don’t rightly know, Mr Frodo. But that Gollum voice - it’s getting louder. Did you hear what he said about “cultivating resistance to Europe’s current trajectory”? That means us, Mr Frodo. He wants to find “nice populists” to replace our governments.
FRODO: Both voices are coming from the same creature, Sam. The same country. The same week. How can that be?
SAM: [grimly] Maybe it was always like this, Mr Frodo. Maybe Sméagol was just louder before. The Gollum part - it’s been there all along, hasn’t it? Waiting. Scheming in the dark.
Act II: “Leave Now, and Never Come Back!”
SMÉAGOL: [pleading] Don’t listen to him, Mr Frodo! We prohibits reducing forces below 76,000 without Congressional certification. EUCOM commander must stay as SACEUR. Sméagol put it in the law! $175 million for Baltic friends! $1 billion for Taiwan! $1.5 billion for Philippines!
GOLLUM: [sneering] Laws. Legislations. Boring, boring pages written by committees. But who controls the voice, precious? Who makes the phone calls? Who sets the tone at summits? Not the legislation. Us. Gollum controls the precious diplomacy.
SMÉAGOL: But Congress -
GOLLUM: Congress can fund what it likes, precious. Can’t make us sound like we mean it, can they? Can’t make us enthusiastic. Can’t make us show up with our hearts in it. We keeps the troops in Europe, yes - but we makes the Europeans wonder if they’re worth keeping. Gollum, gollum.
Behind the rock
FRODO: He’s right, Sam. The law keeps the troops there. But the voice... the voice is all Gollum now.
SAM: [stout-hearted but worried] There’s still good in him, Mr Frodo. 312 to 112 - that’s not nothing. That’s most of them still remembering what alliances are for.
FRODO: For now. But you heard what he said. “Caucuses evolve.” The institutional memory that writes Sméagol’s legislation - it’s just old, Sam. It could die. And then there’d only be Gollum left.
SAM: [long pause] Mr Frodo... should we be learning Mandarin? Only asking because I’ve been looking at maps, and if this goes the way of Gollum -
FRODO: [bitter laugh] Mandarin, Sam. And buying tinned food. That’s where we are. Watching America argue with itself about whether to help us or eat us, and learning Mandarin just in case.
Act III: “The Precious Will Be Ours”
GOLLUM: [triumphant] They sees it now, precious. The hobbitses understand. Sméagol writes the laws but Gollum writes the strategy. Sméagol remembers friendship but Gollum remembers betrayal. And in the end, precious - in the end, obsession wins. It always wins.
SMÉAGOL: [quiet, sad] We used to have friends, precious. Real friends. Before the gold ring tempted us. Before we started talking to ourselves in caves.
GOLLUM: Friends are weakness. The strategy document says so. “The days of the United States propping up the entire world order like Atlas are over.” No more friends. Only interests. Only precious, precious interests. And gold.
SMÉAGOL: But the Pacific Deterrence Initiative -
GOLLUM: Yes, yes, we keeps some things. Taiwan. Philippines. The bits that face China. But Europe? NATO? “Tricksy and false,” precious. “Civilisational erasure.” Soon they won’t even be European anymore, the nice strategy document says. Why help them? Why carry them? Let them fall.
Behind the rock
SAM: [standing up] I’ve heard enough, Mr Frodo. I know which one wins in the story.
FRODO: Sam -
SAM: Gollum and Sméagol argue all the way to Mount Doom. All the way. Sméagol never fully wins. The betrayal comes eventually. It’s only ever a question of timing.
FRODO: [quietly] We spent decades assuming Sméagol was in charge. That American commitment was structural. Institutional. Permanent.
SAM: Aye. And maybe it was, mostly. But Gollum was always there, wasn’t he? In the dark. Talking to himself about how the alliances were tricksy and false. About how the precious would be his once the hobbitses were gone.
FRODO: Both things can be true, Sam. Sméagol writes the law. Gollum writes the manifesto. For now, the law is stronger.
SAM: For now.
FRODO: [looking upwards, wistfully] If only there were giant eagles that could fly out of the sky and rescue us…
SAM: I don’t think they exist Mr Frodo.
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Inspired by ChinaTalk :
This is superb creativity.